Stepping Into Harmony With Your Ego

We often hear the word “ego” and immediately sense the negative connotation and judgments that come with it. In psychology, the ego is the part of the personality that is experiencing the “self” or “I”. In shorter words, the ego is not the self, but rather the experience of self. The ego is responsible for our rational thoughts and perceptions and it’s the part of the personality that plans, evaluates, and makes decisions. The ego likes to tell us about ourselves, rather than allowing us to exist in a state of selfhood. 

It is often misconstrued that the ego is something we have to conquer, eradicate, or silence. Or maybe our ego keeps us successful and protected from harm so we amplify it and let it take the lead. While the ego may have negative influences on our mental health, it can also have positive effects in our own journey of stepping into a stage of empowerment and self-hood. The ego, when held with care and deep understanding, can ignite a healthy sense of self importance and esteem. By developing a healthier relationship to our ego, we can understand how it either benefits or impedes on our journey towards self improvement, how it impacts the quality of our interpersonal relationships, and how it affects the way that we view ourselves and others in the world.

When we listen to our ego carefully and take a few moments before reacting to it, we can get a lot of useful information about what it is trying to communicate to us. For example, maybe you got turned down for a job opportunity and your ego tells you, “See no one values you!” Or “They don’t know what they are talking about, I didn’t want that job anyways”, when you actually did. If we listen to this messaging with curiosity we might actually find that we are hurt and disappointed that something didn’t work out the way we wanted it to. Instead of maybe asking for feedback that could be helpful for future endeavors, we go into a state of blame or self loathing. When our ego goes into a state of dysregulation, it can often project it’s messaging onto others. Projections are defense mechanisms that involve unconsciously attributing one’s own acceptable thoughts, feelings, or impulses onto others. There is little to no accountability or responsibility when we are projecting, meaning there is no room for improvement, reflection, or growth. 

The messaging we get from our ego is often an invitation to pause and explore ourselves deeper. The ego is merely just one part of ourselves. As Internal Family Systems (IFS) founder, Richard Swartz claims, to enter into a more present state of self, we can view all of the parts of ourselves as members of a family who gather around and try to better understand and listen to one another to establish a sense of harmony. The ego when feeling defensive or hurt, may often receive feedback and feel resistant, showcasing a deep need to prove this feedback as unnecessary or incorrect. When we are more in a state of self, we receive feedback and might say to ourselves, “Is this relevant? How can I sit with the discomfort of the feedback I am receiving without claiming that I am a bad person who needs fixing?”. Of course, we all want to receive feedback and advice that is delivered in a way that feels constructive rather than coming from a place of shaming and blaming. The ultimate question we can ask our ego is, “Why does this feel like a threat?”. Maybe as a child, you were scrutinized for displaying emotions and having needs. When you are hearing that a loved one wants to connect with you on a more emotional level, you may only hear the narrative from the past that displaying vulnerability will lead to hurt and rejection. If you can ask that part of yourself to step aside for a moment, and remind it that you  have the ability to show up in a present state and that you trust yourself to hold discomfort and fear, you might find that the ego is willing to take a step back and trust the part of yourself that wants to move towards growth.  

Another example we can think of is: you are in a new relationship and your partner comes to you stating that they feel like you are being insensitive towards a matter that feels important to them. When the ego is feeling defensive or attacked, the response you give might be to remind them of all the ways you have been sensitive in the past or you might  project and make it seem like they are too needy. On the contrary, when we are in a state of self, the response might sound something more like, “I don’t want you to feel dismissed by me. Can you give me some insight on what it is that I did that made you feel that way? And how can I show up for you moving forward?”. The latter response comes from a place of curiosity and willingness to hear a different perspective, where the former leaves you and your partner feeling further upset and disconnected. 

One of the most powerful tools for developing a better relationship to our ego is to pause and slow down. When the ego feels loud and over-bearing, notice the itch to react, and sit with discomfort. You might utilize deep breathing exercises such as the box breath which consists of inhaling for 4 counts, holding the breath for 4 counts, exhaling for 4 counts, and holding the breath empty for 4 counts. You can try doing this for 12 repetitions and then if you feel more grounded, you can say, “What is my ego trying to convey to me right now? It is helpful to the situation, or just to my own need to protect myself?”. Overall, Richard Strozzi Heckler highlights the importance of stepping into a state of center when we are feeling dysregulated and fired up. He states, 

“Center is a basic bodily presence, and it is in this presence that other bodily states are built. It is a bodily and energetic base camp. When we discover ourselves drifting hopelessly into our projections and memories, center is a place to anchor. Instead of floating away in our fantasies or being devoured by our thoughts, we can focus on the pulsations, temperatures, movement, and weight of our bodily form. In a sense, this is a coming home, where we can begin to trust and sense what we feel” (Heckler, 1993). 

Learning to befriend our ego and speak to it in a patient and understanding manner, is at the core of stepping into our sense of self where we can hold curiosity for the many different messages, opinions, judgements, and triggers that arise. We remind our ego that it does not own us, that there is actually no threat, and that we sympathize and understand where it may be coming from. We might even thank our ego for the hard work it has done to try and protect us throughout our life, and then help it refocus its lens. 

References:

Heckler, R. S. (1993). The Anatomy of Change: A way to move through life’s transitions. North Atlantic Books.