Embracing Nuance: Challenging All-or-Nothing (Dichotomous) Thinking
Have you ever thought, "I'm either perfect or a total failure'?" Or "If I can't do it the way I want to, I can't do it at all." "All or nothing thinking," also called "black and white thinking" or "dichotomous thinking," is a cognitive process where someone views situations in extreme terms, only seeing two options, which are usually either entirely positive or completely negative, with no room for middle ground or nuance. You are either a good person or a bad person. If it's not perfect, it's terrible. My partner forgot to say good morning, so they don't care about me. This type of thinking is a cognitive distortion, an assumption we make based on minimal evidence or without evaluating the validity of the assumption. This binary way of thinking and operating through the world does not consider shades of grey at all, leading to oversimplified views and emotional distress. Dichotomous thinking can negatively impact mental health by fostering a rigid, all-or-nothing mindset, leading to difficulties in relationships, self-esteem issues, and increased risk of depression and anxiety. Ultimately, this type of thinking restricts you from living freely.
Dichotomous thinking can affect one's mental health differently depending on its cause. In relationships, if you approach normal relationship conflicts with extreme black-and-white thinking, you will often draw the wrong conclusions about others and miss out on an opportunity for meaningful conversations and compromise. When one engages in dichotomous thinking, they may spend more time thinking about the outcome of a relationship rather than simply embracing the present moments with their loved one. Three reasons dichotomous thinking can make it difficult for a relationship to be successful are premature decision-making, lack of compromise, and unrealistic expectations.
Premature Decision Making: If you engage in dichotomous thinking, you crave certainty. Therefore, you put situations and/or people in clear buckets, like good/bad, right/wrong, healthy/destructive. When you are unwilling to see the nuances, arriving at a resolution other than assuming the relationship is terrible after experiencing an "off" day is challenging. Having quick tendencies to quit a relationship or break up with a partner after they upset you or when you experience a bad day together, it can be helpful to focus on what can be learned from the conflict and how you can plan to address similar problems in the future to keep the relationship strong.
Lack of Compromise: Healthy relationships require compromise and finding a middle ground. Having unrealistic, predestined needs and a concrete path can make it difficult to see your partner's point of view and own desires, leading to a lack of empathy. For example, suppose you firmly believe you must wait 6 months before meeting your partner's family, and around month five, they ask you to go out to dinner with their parents while they are in town; if you hold to dichotomous thinking, you may refuse to attend the dinner even when the relationship is going well because it falls before that six-month boundary you are holding. This presents as a lack of compromise and a missed opportunity to do something meaningful for your partner that could benefit and strengthen the relationship. While boundaries are essential in creating and maintaining healthy relationships, it's vital to remain open-minded and look into the nuances, such as the current health of the relationship, consistency, how you feel about the person, and the path ahead. Compromise in this example could look like agreeing to attend the dinner but not telling the parents you two are officially a couple yet to keep things feeling casual and pressure-free.
Unrealistic expectations: Rigid thinking can set you up for unrealistic expectations in a relationship. Dating someone with dichotomous thinking tendencies means an increased pressure that the relationship will meet certain expectations for time spent together, levels of intimacy, and perfection. Everyone has their on and off days, and while someone should always remain respectful, it is unfair to hold someone to a confident expectation of perfection.
If you know that you engage in dichotomous thinking, it is essential to notice how this pattern extracts your sense of value and importance. Overall, thinking this way serves a purpose for you; otherwise, you would not do it! While dichotomous thinking might feel safe and keep you "on the right path," it often fuels resistance rather than creating alignment and momentum. It is essential to understand that there is no momentum with dichotomous thinking as it keeps you stuck in a binary field of good versus bad and right versus wrong. The judgment and guilt that one places on oneself within these confines halts the momentum of life by thinking that you are not valuable unless you are doing things the "correct" way. This pressure you put on yourself can also lead to projecting these insecurities onto others, where you have unrealistic and high expectations for how other people should behave and exist in the world.
So, what can you do to break free from the cycle of dichotomous thinking? Focusing on identifying and challenging those extremes, seeking a balanced perspective, and seeking professional help from a therapist is a great place to start. Here's a more detailed breakdown.
Identify Dichotomous Thinking:
Recognize the patterns: Be aware of when you think in absolutes ("always," "should," "never," "ought," "perfect," and "failure."
Pay attention to language: Observe when you use black-and-white language.
Consider the root cause: Understanding that dichotomous thinking can stem from various factors, including past experiences, upbringing, and personality traits.
Challenge Your Thoughts
Question the Evidence: Ask yourself if your extreme thoughts are based on facts or assumptions
Look for alternative perspectives: Try to see situations from different viewpoints.
Look for the middle ground: Look for more nuances/grey areas in your thinking.
Use flexible language: Replace absolute terms with more nuanced language, such as "sometimes" instead of "always."
Practical Strategies:
Seek out professional help from a therapist.
Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment, which can be helpful when challenging extreme thinking.
Seek social support: Talking to trusted friends and family can help you gain different perspectives.
Self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
Try writing down your thoughts and read them back to yourself with careful observation.